Each day I wake up and roll the dice.
These aren’t your regular dice. These are special mental illness dice.
Sometimes I roll a good day. These days I don’t doubt myself, and I am not exhausted from fighting my brain.
Sometimes I roll a bad day, and I want to crawl back into bed. These days I am at my most vulnerable. You won’t know when I am having these days, because I’ll hide it.
Most days I roll a mediocre day. I will get through it without too much self doubt. My brain will try its best to beat me down, but I will have just enough fight in me to fend off the negativity.
Thankfully, it’s been along time since I haven’t wanted to roll the dice at all. Those days are dangerous because I am at the bottom of the rabbit hole and can’t see my way out. Fuck the dice, how about a goddamn rope to pull me up.
I know that some will say “Why do you even have these dice?”
I need them.
These dice are my saving grace some days.
They allow me the opportunity to face down what may inevitably screw me over. I can be my own worst enemy. If I know what lies ahead, I can prepare myself.
So, I guess you can say they’re a part of my toolbox. Like my meds they can’t cure my mental illness, but they can help me navigate it.
And if you’re wondering, my dice are purple 😉
Screaming Into the Void 
Purple is the perfect colour for your dice. I feel this to the core. I lay in bed wondering if I should bother getting up, trying to find the reasons. Sometimes small things, things that just matter for moments are enough. For me my days are like a River I need to cross. There are stones I step on to get me to the other side. Waking up to a cat curled up next to me can be a reason. Or smelling the coffee brewing. I try not to look beyond those stones if the River is going to be turbulent and scary, I just look for the next stone and try to eek pleasure from it. To just be in the moment.
If I chose to look at the River as a whole there are days I’d want to face plant and drown before even starting out. So baby steps for me. Thank you for sharing your journey. It helps to feel less alone.
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