Unpacking My Shit

Here I am.

It’s been a while since I sat down and unpacked some of my boxes.

Not talking the physical kind. I am talking about the mental kind.

I have filled many boxes over the years with all of my unpleasant thoughts and situations.

I’ve started to unpack these boxes lately, and it hasn’t been fun.

I’ve made some peace with certain situations in my life, and realized what I have been carrying around that wasn’t mine to carry.

I’ve had guilt about staying in a mentally abusive marriage for such a long time. Time to kick that to curb. I have a beautiful daughter that came from that experience and so I focus on her. We’ve been a two person team since she was eight months old and I am super proud of the woman she is becoming.

I am very self deprecating. It’s easy. My mental illness makes it easier. This is one I will struggle with daily, but I am working on it. I try and pick out one thing a day that I love about myself and keep that as a focus.

My self doubt is another thing I am working on. That is also a daily struggle with me and my brain. I’m getting there though.

I’ve had massive guilt about being a mom with a mental illness to a daughter with mental illness. I blamed myself for her illness. I must have given it to her. I didn’t know how to make peace with that until recently. We are who we are and we both just happen to have the same illness. Some days it’s hard struggling with my own while helping her, but we have each other’s back. Always.

Today, I am starting to change my relationship with food. Food is fuel, but food is also feelings for me. When I am down I eat food to feel better, but not good food. I eat food that eventually makes me feel sluggish and sleepy. I made a grocery list today and stuck to it. Lots of healthy options for lunches and snacks.

I also unpacked my box with the “my depression lives here” sticker on it. That one really opens up on its own and barfs all over my apartment. I don’t clean. I leave things everywhere. I don’t put my clean clothes away. I have no energy and I don’t care. But I have to care, because this place is a freaking DISASTER AREA.

Those are just some of the boxes I am unpacking.

I am doing the opposite with my gym bag. That is being packed for tomorrow morning. Movement makes me feel better about myself.

So now, I need to unpack my groceries, lol.

Facing some of these things has been hard, but worth it in order for me to move forward.

Step by step.

Day by day.

Or even, minute by minute.

It’ll get done, and I’ll keep moving forward.

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