This is a daily struggle for me.
Part of my mental illness is a feeling of worthlessness.
I doubt myself on an hourly basis.
I never think I am good enough. On my good days I can gather up the gumption to kick that thought to the curb.
But dammit it’s hard.
When I was diagnosed with depression I was afraid of being a failure as not only a human, but as a mom. I wasn’t good enough to be mom, a daughter, a friend.
I can see the worth in others, but not always in myself.
Prioritizing time for me is hard. When I do take time for myself I feel guilty, because, let’s keep it real here, I don’t think I’m worth it.
My brain tells me this every day, even with medication.
I’m like a bad SNL skit throughout the day, reminding myself that I am worthy, I am capable, I am smart, and people do like me.
I’m also bad at taking compliments because of this. Like, really bad. I feel embarrassed. NOT WORTHY.
I’m good at pretending I have tons of confidence though. Sometimes, I almost give myself permission to feel as confident as I pretend I am.
I am a work in progress. Always learning.
I’ll get there. That place where I believe my worth.
I may be 80 by the time that happens, but boy oh boy, will I be one kickass 80 year old!!