What I Wish You Knew

In my darkest (and not so darkest) hours there are things I cannot say.

It’s not because I physically can’t. It’s because I am afraid to. If they are spoken out loud they become real. If they stay inside they are only my demons to deal with.

So, when I can’t say what I need to, this is what I wish you knew:

  • How hard it is to drag myself out of bed each morning
  • How much it hurts to move
  • That even though I’m smiling, I am probably empty inside
  • That I am not lazy
  • That I am not making excuses
  • That asking me how I am does not come across as you think it does
  • That I need help with almost everything
  • That making decisions can be debilitating
  • That washing my hair seems like a monumental task
  • That when I’m quiet, I’m hurting
  • That when I’m loud, I’m hurting
  • When I chew the skin around my nails, I am really really anxious
  • Sometimes it’s all just too much
  • That I am not mad at you
  • That I know you want to help, but I feel like such a tremendous burden
  • My anger and frustration is not directed at you
  • That I need time alone to decompress
  • My brain makes me think I’m a failure
  • Even when I try, and succeed, I feel guilty
  • When I say I need to go home, I do, badly
  • That being around crowds can be paralyzing
  • That hopelessness is always nipping at my heals
  • That medication doesn’t make it all go away
  • That I don’t feel brave, or strong
  • I’m crying because I am frustrated, not sad
  • How exhausting it is to just be
  • Fighting this is hard, so hard
  • That most days, all I want to do is sleep
  • How much I hate this
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