Sometimes I have a big problem.
I can’t forgive myself.
I have very high expectations, and when I don’t achieve my desired results, I will beat myself up about it.
This could last for 48 hours, it could last for years.
It could be a personal situation, or a work situation.
The way my brain is wired, it’s like I store these things and at any random point in my life, my highlight reel will play.
People will say “Stop beating yourself up” or “It’s not that big of a deal”.
My brain doesn’t work that way. It “thinks” the way what it wants.
Most of the time, the “I am an idiot” memory doesn’t make it to the highlight reel. For that, I am extremely thankful.
The ones that do live in my highlight reel can be overwhelming, and I’ll often have repeat dreams about any one of the memories on that reel.
Sometimes meditation, or reading before bed clears my mind.
Other times, I need to let it live out it’s life.
If I can find it in me to forgive myself for what I think are my “extreme failures”, maybe the highlight reel will choose other memories to play.
If it was truly a failure, well, I’m still moving forward and still learning.
Finding forgiveness in myself means reminding inner me that I am only human.
I may have to fight with my brain on that, and I’m used to it.
It’s time to be kind to me.