Here we are: Week three on my meds, and now on vacation until after Canada Day Weekend.
No more dizziness (YAY!), just some fatigue that will hopefully work itself out over the next little while.
I am starting to become more present.
There is less disassociation.
I can see NOW that I really should have done this a while ago.
Sometimes denial is a stronger drug. I don’t want my depression to consume my life. I want it to be anything BUT depression that is making me feel irritated, helpless, and useless.
I know I have pushed a lot of people away inadvertently (and some on purpose, for my own mental health).
I am thankful for those who stick around, even when I try to isolate myself, and to those who have kind words when I am not comfortable hearing them.
Having someone be kind to me makes me nervous, and I will sometimes laugh or be sarcastic because I am uncomfortable. I don’t feel I deserve it.
That’s what my brain does. It whispers: “You. Are. Not. Worthy. Of. Kindness.”
I can make a list of things I have sabotaged because I was scared.
But I can’t look back and brood. I need to unpack those “boxes” and move forward.
I will slowly start getting back to the gym, and slowly get back to running.
Each day is still unknown when it comes to my brain, but I’m on my way.