My Brain, The Jerk

So, here we are.

I am 5 days into my dosage upgrade.

It’s been dizzy and sleepy.

I can say now that those side effects are slowly retreating, and I am finding it a little easier to get out of bed in the morning.

I am still chewing the sides of my fingernails, although not as much. Still gross.

I am thankful for those people around me who have not treated me any different than before I announced I was back on medication to stop going down the rabbit hole (again).

Saying, and acknowledging, that I need help is a very vulnerable moment.

The days after that are hard. I feel defeated, and tired. The meds are working on my brain chemistry and I am trying to fight the lie machine that lives inside my head.

It likes to tell me that I deserve to have people pull away. It reminds me of all the awful things that have happened in my life and tells me it was my fault. It will tell me that everyone is talking shit about me when I’m not around.

I become even more guarded. I will push people away.

I will doubt every decision. I will doubt my own capabilities.

I will overdo things because I think I need to make up for my “deficiency”.

I will be awkward.

I will be full of insecurity.

Knowing that I will get better is not always the ray of light it should be.

Each day is tackled one at a time.

I will get through this, even though my brain will tell me otherwise.

This inner war is exhausting.

I just need a little patience, and understanding.

I am doing okay, and I will keep moving forward.

You can go and suck it, jerk brain.