Upgrading My Toolbox (Because Suffering is NOT an Option For Me)

On By Screaming Into the VoidIn depression, mental illness, mom, overwhelmed, runner, self care, single mom, stigma

Today I was able to see my doctor.

I am very lucky, because I called this morning and got in this afternoon.

I know I’ve been off kilter for quite some time now (months really) and I’ve been at the edge of the rabbit hole for about the same amount of time.

I had been able to keep my head above water with running and meditation.

My depression loves food, and sleep. Lots of food and lots of sleep. It is how it fuels the lie machine.

I’ve been tired, I mean reaaaalllly tired, for a long time. I sleep a full 8-9ish hours every night.

When the alarm clock goes off, I drag myself through molasses to get moving. Usually I can enjoy my bed coffee and then get moving.

Lately it’s been bed coffee and I-want-to-go-back-to-sleep-for-another-eight-hours kind of morning. Every day. Even on the weekend.

There was also my slow disassociation. I would hear myself talking and be like “Who is that talking? It can’t be me because she sounds like she has her shit together.”

Please note: SHE DID NOT HAVE HER SHIT TOGETHER.

This past week I could really notice how I was starting to slowly unravel on the inside. I can’t share it all, because it’s raw right now, and I need to let it be for now.

But I can share that I had a few conversations with my mom on Saturday, and we drove by the doctor’s office so I could see who was in for the weekend clinic (thanks mom, love you!). Unfortunately it wasn’t my doctor, so I decided then that I would call on Wednesday to try and get an appointment.

(I am so very lucky, soooooo lucky to have the family doctor I do. She rocks.)

(Also, to acknowledge my slow brain drain: when I had a conversation with some people at lunch the other day, and then later…when I was on the bus with someone who was sitting RIGHT BESIDE ME during this conversation, I said “remind me to tell you…*insert things from lunch conversation here* that this person already heard because SHE WAS RIGHT BESIDE ME . Ugh.)

So tomorrow, I start using my new (I’ve taken this medication before so it’s like an old new) tool.

Living with a mental illness is not easy.

It’s awful to think that there are people out there who are afraid to ask for help.

I was once afraid to ask for help.

I am not afraid anymore.

Suffering (for me) is not an option.

I am on my way feeling better.

One day at a time.

6 thoughts on “Upgrading My Toolbox (Because Suffering is NOT an Option For Me)”

  1. *HUG*

    I’m SO glad that you were able to recognize the warning signs and get help quickly. Depression is always easier to deal with at this stage, rather than once you’ve fallen to the bottom of the rabbit hole. Your self awareness rocks.

    Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. I’m here anytime you need to talk – either virtually, or in person. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am legit thankful I could see this one coming. The last two times I was in too deep and it took a while to get myself back.

      A big *HUG* back at you girl. We’ll have to do coffee again soon! xo

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  2. Jill

    You’re such an amazing person Amy! You’ll conquer this round without a doubt and you’ll come out even stronger and more resilient than before. I have this tool in my toolbox too and it has been a life changer… can’t lie- you were one of the reasons I finally accepted the help of this tool. You never know who you’re inspiring with your story.. so keep on, keeping on.

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  3. I am so proud of you. There are so many reasons why, really, but your ability to talk this stuff out is so unbelievably admirable. Amy. This is not easy. This is hard and I know that you know it can get so much harder. Look at you go!! This is such a proactive move. Smart!

    I am so glad you have the support system around you that you do and that your Dr. is good – and accessible – and a good fit. Thank goodness.

    I am here. I know you know. I am just saying it in all the places because I know how forgetting works. 😉

    I hope you are proud of you, too. You are doing good things and by sharing your journey you are helping others. It’s very generous.

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