I know, what you’re thinking: with this title, why in the hell is she smiling in this picture? Is she really happy? Is this a maniacal smile and did she totally go over the edge?
Well, in a weird way I am smiling because I am becoming an expert in swimming upstream.
It goes like this: stubborn, you meet the current head on. You double down and you start your swim.
You think you are making headway.
You look up.
You’re in the same spot.
You put your head back down, swim harder. Get frustrated. Look up.
Same. Fucking. Spot.
This is what it feels like when I am having a bad day.
(Heads up: Apparently this is now every Wednesday.)
I can’t control when my depression, or it’s companion anxiety, will smack me upside the head.
I can’t control when my body, dragged down by my mental illness, shuts down.
I can’t control much of anything.
But I can ‘keep swimming’.
Even if it is upstream.