Yes. On my Dresser.
Those who saw my personal account post on Facebook know where I am going with this.
My FitBit was a Christmas Gift. I was super excited!!! Finally, I had a fitness tracker.
The joy of watching my steps per day – awesome.
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I would be so happy when the lights danced and it did it’s special little vibration.
Like a party on my wrist! Plus, it could track my sleep AND wake me up!!
Then, I had my knee surgery.
Went off my anti-depressants/anxiety meds.
My FitBit went from a device that I loved, to the “evil bitch” voice in my head.
“Wow, look at his/her steps.”
“Why can’t you get that many steps?”
“Look, another challenge and your FitBit isn’t syncing your goal and steps over goal.”
“What are you doing wrong?”
Basically, a Broken Record
And so, I decided that for the month of May, I am going FitBit free.
I posted it on Facebook, so that there would be some accountability. A fellow FitBit lover questioned it, and because my anxiety was close to consuming me, I felt I had to respond. It may have been a little over the top, but I wanted people to know that sometimes, having a mental illness can suck the fun out of fun stuff:
“I’m not saying it isn’t great motivation, but when you have a mental illness, and you are working on dealing with that med free, it becomes a problem. Part of my mental illness is obsessive thinking. If I “think” something is wrong or “needs to be fixed”, I won’t stop until I think it is fixed. I don’t necessarily NEED motivation to move, I’m a runner, albeit an injured one. Instead of focusing on my strength training, I worry about steps. Because it’s there, every day. If my app syncs but my challenges don’t update, I obsess, syncing and syncing and freaking out when it doesn’t work. THAT is not good for my mental health, which is a large part of MY motivation to move. So for now, while I am in rehab mode from the surgery and strength training, no FitBit. Until I can wear it and not “hear a skipping record that won’t shut off”, it will stay on my dresser. I want to love my FitBit, not hate it.”
So, will I wear it again?
Yes. No doubt in my mind.
I will wear it when I know (and am comfortable with) the fact that I may or may NOT hit 10,000 steps a day.
When my steps do not define my day or myself.
When the record stops skipping.
#crazymamaruns
Screaming Into the Void 