Working it out…..

The whole “not running” thing

I know it’s not FOREVER, but the thought of not even having my surgery for another 6 months is very disheartening.  But that is how free health care works.  Unless I get worse, I wait.

Can I do other things?  Yes.

Problem being, it will become a robotic motion.  Working out will become about counting reps and coming up with something that will spark my interest.

Biggest problem, it was my job when I was first diagnosed with depression.  I was a zombie – not remembering what exercise was next, not counting reps.  It was a whole bunch of bad.

It’s hard to separate the event from the time in my life.

Running was my way to reconnect.  To run was to be free.  To decompress.

Is yoga good?  Yes, I love yoga.  Yoga does help me reconnect. It helps me sleep.

Am I drowning in my own pity party?  Most would think so.

But for me, I can’t just turn it off.  Then I get angry.

Angry that I feel like this.  Angry at those who love me for suggesting other options.  Options I know, but don’t want to hear right now.

Then – Stubborn Amy rises and says all the things she will do after the knee is operated on – because depression/anxiety = irritation and defensive.

So, I am pulling out my old workout cards

Hoping that there are some workouts that spark my interest.  Workouts I can do at home.  Doing them at home is safe for me right now.

Having a piece of bone/cartilage floating around makes your stability difficult.  If I am home and fall, I can adjust and move on – there is no one around me.

Do you find that weird?  It may be to the regular gym going person.

I just don’t want to talk about it I guess.  I am afraid that if I go somewhere and have my knee give out or lock, someone will try to help me.  Then I will get mad, not at them, but at my knee.  Then they may wear my anger.

I don’t want anyone to wear my anger.

It’s the reason why I get quiet, or change the subject.

I’m not mad at anyone.

I’m mad at the situation.

I’m mad at my knee.

I just keep reminding myself….better days are coming.  Even when I don’t feel like they are.